Insanity Laughs 11

We stopped giving words. Maybe some other time.

Who she is, where we met, how things went. If I try to explain all that to people, they'll go crazy.
Today, I was with my highschool friends. Three of them, one is my bestfriend.
The other two started asking questions. Of course, I told them what I can. After the conversation, they feel stressed because of my story. "Our" story. They seem to disapprove. But I know better. They are worried that I might get hurt.

Disapproval. I thought that's suppose to make me feel sad. But it doesn't. Instead, it feels like a chance.

In other's rejection, I find a chance to accept her more.
In other's rejection, I find a chance to love her more.
Thus, my endless fall.

They said love is a choice.
I chose you. And I will choose you. Every day.

They asked me, how did I know that it's really love that I'm feeling?
I said, "you just know it."
But after thinking about it, I realized, I don't know.
It's not "you just know it.".
It's "you don't know it's love."

You don't know until you realize that you're already going crazy.
That's when you know it's love.
When you meet insanity.

Which seems to be my case.

Insanity Laughs 10

OPEN
"The next step after finding a treasure..that lies on everyone's heart."
--her

Our word for today, "PAST"

My entry: 1. I used to visit this place. For here lies things that I once had. Memories, laughter, tears, smiles, and all.

2. Something you'll never be, to me.

Her entry: One of the best things to share.

------

I don't feel like saying anything today. Because we're having a little fight.
More reason for insanity to laugh at me.

Insanity Laughs 09

Yesterday, she called at 7am and she found out that I'm still in bed at that time, so she told me to get up and that I should do some exercise. So I did that today. I did some biking.

That's her. My pretty rising sun. Not literally. I haven't seen her face. But looking at the pretty rising sun feels like looking at her. I've always wondered why she is so far from me. If you want to know, we're approximately 935miles away from each other. Looking at the sun, I realized that distance is necessary. So why are you so far from me? It's the same as nature. If the sun was nearer, if there's no distance between the sun and the earth, you know what happens.

As I was in the bridge, there's a river. And looking at nature, I also notice some sort of separation. Water and land. It's necessary.

If the moon and the stars weren't that far, will we appreciate it the same?

OPEN

My entry: having a high degree of closeness.


She called to asked me something. She sounded serious. I didn't quite understand what she's asking. But here's her question. "How many dwarfs does Cinderella has?"
I didn't say 'twelve'. I'm still trying to asked her to repeat it because the line wasn't clear. Again, I did not say 'twelve'. But she heard me say twelve. So I said twelve.

Cinderella doesn't have any dwarfs.

Her laugh though.
I can't stop smiling.

Insanity Laughs 08

INSANITY

"The state of being stuck with you."
--her

Insanity Laughs 07

INSANITY

My entry: the side effect of loving you.

She hasn't given her entry yet. She's giving me the silent treatment. At times like this the bed looks extra attractive, but sleeping would feel like cheating on her so I have to control my desire to sleep.

Insanity Laughs 06

The word she gave today is LOVE.

My entry: I want her to be happy. Even the happiness that doesn't include me.

She asked me why I did not include myself.
"No. That's 'even if'. If the time comes that there's someone else making you happy, that's okay with me." I explained.

"That time will never come." she replied. Those are some wonderful words. It makes me happy hearing that from her. But it also makes me sad. Because those words are too good to be true.

Her entry: Love is the only valid reason that allows us to do good or bad.

I do not agree. But I guess I just did.
Insanity laughs at me.

Insanity Laughs 05

I have been reading 'The Lover's Dictionary' by David Levithan, so yesterday I suggested to her that everyday, we will take turns on giving a word, then we will define it by using our life examples, or  if necessary, made up examples. We start today and I took the courtesy to go first on giving a word.

WARNING

My entry: "don't hurt me." I know very well that I said that, but it sounds different. Like a part of me that I don't know. "don't hurt me." Her voice is not pleading. And she's not saying that to people who could hurt me. She's saying it to me. The first thing I sensed is fear. Fear of myself.

Her entry: Every morning and night.

At first I didn't get it. Or maybe I pretend not to get it because I'm hoping I'm wrong. When I finally accepted what she meant, my fear of myself was trashed by my fear of losing her.

Insanity Laughs 04

We were having this conversation about how I am afraid of the things I want. I told her I'm afraid because the things I want makes me feel something and they require going out of my comfort zone. She kept asking questions and I kept explaining my fear until the conversation gets deeper and deeper, and my feelings are pouring, and it's too much that I started crying. Yes, I love her so much. Too much that I can't handle it so my eyes celebrate. I drowned. When we finally got back to the surface to grasp some air, she flashed a poker face.

And oh my God! Even her poker face made me love her more.

Insanity Laughs 03

I've known her for more than a year now. I've said countless 'I love yous' to her. But lately I've been feeling strange. Like I want her so much. And today, as I was typing those three words on my phone, that's when it hits me. I realized what was actually happening.

I'm falling for her. Over again. Every 'I love you' feels like a confession. As if it is the first time I am telling her that.

I knew I've always loved her. But lately, it feels new to me, every day.

And so, insanity laughs at me.

Insanity Laughs 02

There was this time when I asked her what kind of person she is. "Villain." she answered simply. I didn't say anything after that. I don't think she's a villain, but I think she wants to be one. Why? I don't know.

Yesterday, she said she's in the hospital. I asked her who's with her. She said one of her mom's friends. I asked if the person is nice. She said, "yeah. We're not really talking to each other. She's quiet, too.". And so I answered, "you don't know that yet.". She agreed in defeat. Then in the middle of our chit-chat, she suddenly said, "I think I know what kind of person I am.". So I asked her what kind of person she is.

"I'm a lost person."

If that was said a year earlier, I could almost see the sadness forming in my eyes. But today is different. I smiled when she said that. I held a hand and asked her, "Would you want to wander with me until you find yourself?"

She took my hand, smiled, and said, "Yes, please."

Why is it that people make it sound like being lost is a bad thing? Like when they say you are a bitter person, they make it sound like you're in the side of negatives. Being bitter, being lost. It's not a bad thing. Well, at least, for me.

Insanity Laughs 01

I asked her once who she is and what she wants to be.

"I'm a nobody. And I want to be your better half."

I told her to call herself anything but never, never, a nobody.

I call myself a mashed potato. Sometimes an awesome mashed potato. Or a super cool, perv, mashed potato. A super evil handsome mashed potato. Anything. Sometimes I'm a cat. Or a tree. A bird. But never a nobody.

She agreed and called herself a minced tomato.

I don't know yet if she ever called herself a nobody again.